Marriage advice is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn’t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as “Say sorry even if you don’t mean it” or “Don’t go to bed angry”? These phrases tend to leak out of people’s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely helpful. True, lived-in advice for a long, happy marriage isn’t so tidy because neither are relationships.
So, what is some honest, authentic advice from couples who’ve been through the long haul? We recently asked 25 people who have been married for 20 plus years about what makes their relationship work. Cliches didn’t enter the equation. Instead, their answers reflected a simple truth: long-term relationships are both easy and hard, but made better by honesty, fun, and a shared sense of unity. They urged communication and clarity. They underscored the importance of shared meals and spicing things up with dirty jokes. They emphasized appreciation and attention to detail. Here’s what they said, and why it’s helped them stay together for the long run.
1. Don’t be so damn stubborn
“Don’t insist on always having the last word. It’s not worth it. What you think is a fundamental, bedrock principle might actually be just a personal preference not worth having a spat or holding a grudge about. Be open to that possibility. Even if you get your way, it will take a toll. And if you agree to something, abide by the mutual decision. The loss of trust is also not worth getting your way. We’ve learned to be responsible for and take ownership of our decisions and actions, and we always try to avoid criticizing or guilting. It never helps. Instead, we try to have constructive conversations about specific behaviors that might be troubling, and we’re each willing to listen to each other’s concerns – even if they seem trivial.” – Claude, 68 (married 33 years)
2. Choose your own adventure
“My marriage has never been easy but it’s always been an adventure. The best advice I can give – getting married is like going to a theme park. Know who you are and what ride you want to go on. If you want to go on the carousel (stability and serenity) marry that. If you want to go on a roller coaster (risk and adventure) don’t marry someone who’s afraid of speed and heights. The key is to know yourself and what you want before you pledge yourself to a partnership. Then, once you’ve found your match, run your marriage like good company. Identify each person’s strengths and weaknesses, and delegate those responsibilities accordingly..” – Kathleen, 57, Nebraska (married 31 years)
3. Do the work
“Everyone has heard the phrase, ‘opposites attract, but you don’t really hear the phrase, ‘opposites keep people together.’ They can, though, if you learn how to navigate them. Opposites can create a great deal of conflict over time if you don’t learn how to accept them. It can be a difficult process, but it’s necessary to stay happily married long term. Good marriages don’t just happen. They require a great deal of work and intention. The English language has one word for love. I love my wife and I love spicy food. There is no comparison. Since the term ‘I love you’ is so confusing and vague it makes sense to define what that means to both of you, even if you’re total opposites.” – Monte, 64, Florida (married 40 years)
4. You won’t always be on the same page
“And that’s okay. Patience and communication are key to any successful relationship, but especially a long-term one. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree about everything. There will be times when you need to listen more than you talk, and times when you need to communicate openly and honestly. You can do this by making time for each other, even when life gets busy. Whether it’s taking a walk after dinner or spending a weekend away together, do everything you can to keep the bond strong.” – Steve, 49, Arizona (married 26 years)
5. Bite your tongue
“My rule is: bite your tongue for at least 24-48 hours before speaking when tensions are high. If you are overly emotional and/or upset about something, doing so gives you time to cool off and then reflect on the situation with greater space, perspective, calmness, and clarity. If you still want to talk about it, schedule a mutually agreed upon time to do so. Say something like, ‘I am upset about what you just said/did, but I want to think about it before we talk.’ Mentally, you’ll be in a much better place.” – Romy, 52, California (married 26 years)
6. Keep each other guessing
“My husband is a quiet man. Me? Not so much. I was surprised when he told me how much he loves the fact that he never knows what I’m going to do from one minute to the next. And I appreciate his willingness to try different things. As our unofficial ‘social secretary,’ I’ve planned trips where he hasn’t really known where we’re going until we get on the plane. Our secret really is just keeping our life interesting. Otherwise, life becomes stale and boring. Do something unexpected from time to time and you’ll learn how much you cherish each other’s company.” – Carol, 72, Georgia (married 49 years)
7. Ask for space when you need it
“I think many couples are afraid to say, ‘Hey, I need some time alone, away from you.’ They worry that their partner will take it personally, and so they avoid the conversation completely. Early in our courtship, we were very clear with each other about the fact that we wouldn’t survive marriage if we couldn’t each have our own space. So, we’re not shy with each other when we need a breather. Sometimes it’s just a few hours with a good book. Other times, one of us wants to get a coffee and run errands on a Saturday. The key is being respectful about the request, considering any commitments you might have, and using that time to recharge yourself for the betterment of the relationship.” – Curt, 64, South Carolina (married for 36 years)
8. Learn each other’s love language
“Any act of love done with the best intentions is good, but knowing how your partner prefers to receive those gestures can make them much more special. My wife’s two love languages are quality time and acts of service. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve learned how happy it makes her when I help out around the house. Simple things, like unloading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry, make her so happy. And because I pitch in, and we work as a team, we’re able to spend more quality time together. You can take the tests and stuff to figure out what each other’s love language is. That’s easy. The more fun part is finding out how you can try to speak to your partner using them every day.” – Gene, 54, Massachusetts (married 28 years)
9. Always kiss goodnight
“In all of our years of marriage, I think there have been maybe a dozen times my husband and I haven’t kissed each other goodnight. Even when we’ve had terrible, terrible arguments, we always kiss each other on the cheek, or the forehead, just as a way to remind each other that we’ll get through this. When you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re so angry, it can be hard to say, ‘I love you.’ Sometimes, you just don’t have the voice. But a quick kiss can say a lot, and for us it has.” – Renee, 60, Texas (married 31 years)
10. Be patient with your spouse — and yourself
“You need to be flexible in a marriage. You need to understand that, if you and your partner truly love each other, you’re not deliberately trying to make things difficult. But, inevitably, there will come times when you just can’t agree. In those times, you need to remember that you both are only human. We used to get upset with each other, and then beat ourselves up pretty badly because we’d think, ‘I should be better at this…” And our marriage suffered. It wasn’t until we were able to extend grace to ourselves and each other, and remind ourselves that we are both still learning how to be better every day that we really grew as a couple.” – Ray, 47, New York (married 25 years)
“If your partner is upset with you, don’t assume you know why. If he’s quiet or down, don’t assume you know why. If you’re upset, don’t assume he knows why. You have to remember that, no matter how connected you both maybe, you’re not mind-readers. You need to communicate as clearly as possible, and as frequently as possible. Give each other permission to say you’d rather wait to talk about things, but always let your partner know that you don’t want to assume you know what’s going on.” – Christine, 51, Connecticut (married 26 years)
